5th May, 20**
I want the girl that I used to be, she is what I lost, everything I want to be.....
.... It all started with a touch of innocence, a platonic touch that gave me a certain kind of assurance. He held my hands and placed it on his chest, then told me that his heart was beating for me. I usually fantasized on how his heart beat matched mine. I thought I found my song.
Thinking back at it makes me realize how cheesy it sounded but back then it gave me a sullen smile on my cheeks. The sounds of his words were all so soothing for me. Its like the whole world was at a standstill just for me. I felt special. I felt he loved me and all that was what mattered.
Time passed and I was tearing up in inner sadness day by day. The feeling of not being enough consumed me. He wanted me to act a certain way. To be a certain person. He occasionally showed me pictures of girls on the catalogue, you know the ones with the perfect curves, flat sexy tummy and standing breast and then told me those girls are more beautiful than I am, I was too FAT.
My response was to offer him a crimson smile and pretend he just called me a princess. What he said did not hurt me in any way because I loved him more than I loved myself, it just made me harbor hatred for myself.
I could not stand up for myself, I just had to be someone I was not. Wear tummy belts when all I just wanted to do was to show him how I could break dance with my big stomach filled with belly fat or how I could fake a pregnancy with my amazing stomach. I had to fake it all, suck in my tummy because as much as not being enough consumed me, the fear of being alone consumed me more. The feeling of needing someone to complete me never eluded my mind.
I want that girl that knew that she was enough, that she was amazing the way she was. That she can be anything she wants to be.. She can find happiness in herself.
My name is Uduak-Dorathy aka Fadora and my voice can't help but be heard